you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
