Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You're like the curious george of whores
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
