you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
