when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize