The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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