Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize