drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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