Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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