1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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