Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize