Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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