went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
