You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
