he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
