when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
