dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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