the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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