last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
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