I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
