I wish I only lived at night.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
