the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
