FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
