if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
