You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
