Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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