im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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