Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
