i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
