Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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