i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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