I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
