i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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