singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
