the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
