saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
