He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
