I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
