I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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