Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
