Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he shaved USA in his pubs
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
