Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
