Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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