just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
