Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
