im drinking this country out of the recession.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
