I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
