Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
