new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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