now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
