you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
