the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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