He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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